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RE: CHILD-MALTREATMENT-RESEARCH-L digest 1297
Linda Pfonner wrote:
<<<Why do the men following these patterns show so little interest in their
children? It can't all be the desire to avoid mandated child support.>>>
I think that there are many reasons, two of which is that in some cultures,
1) the men are given tacit permission to leave and not take responsibility,
so they do so, and 2) single-parent families (headed by mother) are not
considered to be a disadvantage.
-Randy Webber
-----Original Message-----
From: owner-CHILD-MALTREATMENT-RESEARCH-L@cornell.edu
[mailto:owner-CHILD-MALTREATMENT-RESEARCH-L@cornell.edu]On Behalf Of
PFONNER, LINDA
Sent: Wednesday, December 13, 2000 9:02 AM
To: Child Maltreatment Researchers
Subject: RE: CHILD-MALTREATMENT-RESEARCH-L digest 1297
Christina,
Thank you for the kind words. I do not disagree with your assertion that it
is important and significant (and significantly damaging!) to the children
when adults leave the children's lives. The POV of that paragraph was from
the service provider's and, at some level, from the mother's POV, not that
of the children.
The women never seem to spend any particular time grieving the end of these
relationships. These relationships are frequently very short; sometimes
they don't even last through the pregnancy (if any), so these men never see
their children, and may not even be listed on the birth certificate if the
mom is sufficiently annoyed with him on the day they bring her the forms to
sign.
Whether this perennially cavalier attitude by the mothers is based on low
self-esteem or if it causes it, or both...I'm not equipped to judge. Are
they incapable (for whatever reasons) of maintaining a long-term
relationship, or simply unwilling? Are the men incapable or unwilling? If
unwilling, why?
Why do the men following these patterns show so little interest in their
children? It can't all be the desire to avoid mandated child support.
These men are scattering so many children so widely that I have to think
that there is going to be a significant percentage of half-siblings in
sexual relations in the next generation simply because they don't know who
their fathers are.
=========================================================
I've been waiting for someone else to make a comment on Linda's message -
but I have to jump in. Linda, I enjoyed your message, found many of your
comments insightful, and appreciate the "view from the trenches". I did
want to respond to one sentence within your men as "stray cats" analogy
(which I agreed with in many ways - some men do not bond to members of the
household and do not accept responsibility).
"It's not important when they leave, because another stray will be along."
As a clinician/researcher who specializes in infant and child mental health,
I don't think that we can assume that to children, it is unimportant when
any person enters or leaves the household (or life in general).
I have found that often there is a perception, especially for infants, that
they "just forget" people or events in their lives which we have good
evidence to know is not true.
Christina Little, Ph.D.
_________________________
Research Director, Foster Care Initiative
Kempe Children's Center/UCHSC
1825 Marion Street
Denver, CO 80218
phone: 303-864-5202
fax: 303-864-5179
email: Little.Christina@tchden.org
Linda R. Pfonner
Child Protective Services
478 Main Street, Suite 321
716-858-8803
14D691@dfa.state.ny.us
Those who would give up essential Liberty,
to purchase a little temporary Safety,
deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.
---Benjamin Franklin
The Papers of Ben Franklin, ed. L. W. Labaree